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Arnold Payne

I am a Vietnam/Cambodia combat Veteran. While there, an incicdent occured that lasted less than 3 or 4 seconds. That 3 or 4 seconds has been a major problem since and that was 50 years ago the coming Feburary. That 3 or 4 seconds in which I held a human being in my hand and shot him in the face. In order for me to live with what I had done I turned to drugs, booze, and women.

It has taken me 50 years but I beat the drugs and the booze. I had also got hook on porn. Looking at the sex act between a man and a woman was much better than what I had to deal with in the results of a fire fight.

When I got back home from the Nam I had a real hard time readjusting to civilian life. When you live in a world where when you take on step you have no guareente of putting that foot down again.

When I got home I was really upset with God. Why did my friends die and myself did not? Why did I have to hold this guy in my hand and then shoot him in the face and get the exquisite felling of being god. The power of life and death in my hands. Fifty years later I'm still trying to come to grips with the fact that I took the life of a human being. Somebodies son, brother, husband, dad that you just terminated. Ever since I've had trouble with the fact that I took a human life.

A number of years a word was given to me that I didn't need slavation. I had slavation locked in tight. The attribute I needed was not slavation but something I have very little of. Self Discipline. The ability to be able to sit down and read the Word of God and try to study as best I can.

I really need to find s mentor because of what I'm seeing. I don't know if what I'm seeing if something from God, my mind going beserk and it is driving me nuts. trying to figure out what I'm seeing and what I'm seeing is not pretty.

I could use some prayer because there are times I feel alone. Can't find a place to go worship because I'm tired of the milk they are teaching. I want to have the meat of God's word.

Received: November 26, 2019

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