This whole month ( starting about a week before the new Biblical month) I have had overwhelming dread for several hours each day.
Weariness, frustration, worthlessness, and downright depression.
I have to constantly remind myself that YeHoVah has indeed heard my prayers, as we have seen answers to them many times in the last months. Alas, every morning it returns.
Part of my daily fight is financial. Things are difficult right now. Not that our needs aren’t met, other than one bill that is now months outstanding, but the daily needs are met with little to spare. And yes we still try to give, there is a family here locally who is struggling as well, so we try to help them and their kids.
I am still waiting on a settlement from workers’ compensation for my now permanent reduction of use of the right arm by a measured 40% by two therapists.
However, it seems there are differing weights and measures for the injury.
Firstly, because it is worker’s compensation, the percentage is cut in half automatically. The second is, it only accounts for, by law, a calculated settlement not based on permanent loss.
The initial settlement offer was less than my lost time wages for last year until December. Not counting my continued lost time for my current therapy.
If it were an automobile accident, it would be viewed as a permanent disability at the full rate accounting for pain, therapy, and all the other factors that have occurred with the injury. This it would compensate for the lifetime partial disability.
Not so with job-site injuries. I believe it is due to the lobbying of the powerful insurance industry for favor with the courts. Unjust weight and measures.
I meet with my attorney tomorrow again and am stressed over the details that I don’t even know of yet. Yep really stressed!
I don’t know how to pray or what to pray.
All I can seem to do regarding the situation is cry.
I have worked hard with “overtime hours for b.s. pay” ( Oliver Anthony song) taking dirty and dangerous jobs, thinking there would be some reward for willingly doing the things that others wouldn’t or couldn’t do.
Now I’m on the downhill run to my 60s and don’t even have a house for my wife. Perhaps it’s just me being full of self-pity. But that seems to be in the heart of a good husband, to protect and provide.
Yah is the one who takes care of us and provides for us, I know that.
I have seen His goodness in the land of the living, I hope to see it in this area as well. I’m not getting any younger and I don’t have the strength I had in my youth to compete in the market as I once did.
These things weigh on me and I need wisdom to discern what is flesh and what is His spirit.
I have tried to do what’s right my whole life, but I am weary and I hope He will help me now.
I know the month that we’re in, so I have no doubt that this is deeper than I can expect. Perhaps it is His cleaning. I want to come through clean.
Lots of stuff jumbled in my mind and these are the biggest ones.
Please keep the meeting in your prayers tomorrow. I have made a request based on the lower disability rating, rate of employment contract value, and my distance to retirement age. It seems to be in keeping with (or less) than the same injury by auto accident or other means.
Love to y’all